Communication is one of the most important parts of any relationship which is why today we are exploring all things effective communication and emotional intelligence with Coach Reg of RUCoached!
As a relationship coach and author with a gift for helping others, Coach Reg fills us in on the importance of active listening and validating each other in conversation, aligning core values in relationships, and why we need to extend grace to one another as we are creating new habits.
This episode is packed full of powerful questions and reframes that can help improve the way you communicate in every area of life. If you’re looking for a conversation that will support you in building thriving relationships, tune in!
In this week’s episode, we discuss:
[01:25] About Coach Reg
[02:21] Coach Reg’s journey of becoming a coach
[05:26] Validating each other in conversations
[08:18] Using active listening while getting to know someone
[14:04] Agreeing to disagree – respecting people’s choices
[19:06] Reframing your questions in a powerful way
[26:03] Letting go in relationships
[28:38] Emotional Intelligence in relationships
[35:12] Inviting someone to share their feelings after a conversation
[39:42] Extending grace as we create new habits
[41:35] Being open to acknowledging our blind spots
[46:53] About Coach Reg’s book “Love, Relationships, And, Sometimes, Just Letting Go”
[51:53] The difference between therapy, counseling, and coaching
[53:52] Being curious vs critical
About Coach Reg
Coach Reg is a relationship expert, author, and speaker who is uniquely qualified to address matters of the heart. He is the founder of RUCoached and works with clients by teaching them how to create new habits while working through relationship challenges using emotional intelligence. His clients are primarily high-achieving professional men and women who desire quality connections that honor and support their core goals in both personal and professional relationships.
Coach Reg’s journey of becoming a coach
Coach Reg has had relationship challenges throughout his life including two divorces. Through these experiences, he took the time to learn about himself and uncover why he made the choices he did. People have always told Coach Red that he has a way of truly hearing what people have to say while being able to give them feedback that they could benefit from. In 2016, he launched his coaching platform for high-achieving individuals who desire quality relationships. He also includes components of emotional intelligence to help people build better relationships.
Validating each other in conversations
Coach Reg states people will often nod their heads yes in conversation to show that they understand what the other person is talking about. But oftentimes, we do not take the time to validate that what we said was heard in the way we meant it. Coach Reg suggests asking the listener to repeat in their own words what they heard the other say. Two people may have very different meanings of the same word. He shares with us that asking “Please tell me what you heard in your own words.” helps in understanding each other.
In his book, “Love, Relationships, And, Sometimes, Just Letting Go” Coach Reg talks about the triple A’s in relationships which are: Do not attack, do not accuse, do not assume. If you do any of these things, the person who is listening is more likely to feel that they have to justify or explain themselves. If we learn to ask questions instead of making statements we can have more successful conversations.
Using active listening while getting to know someone
Coach Reg states that we need to be asking better questions while dating. Instead of asking “What happened in your last relationships?” you can ask “What have you learned about yourself through your relationships?” This will help you learn if they have done the work, learned from their choices, and if that is something that aligns with you.
He also goes on to explain that we may like how someone appears but in the beginning, we do not know their character, their heart, or what their thought process is like. Those are things that we would hope to be aligned on to determine if we should keep getting to know each other. It is important to ask questions and then allow what we hear to inform our response or next question.
Celeste shares that so many of her clients are not sure what to talk about on dates. Many people go on dates and act like it is an interview and then do not have a second one because the person feels attacked. She reminds us that we need to calm down and ask the right questions without coming on too strong.
We need to have unscripted conversations. If people feel like they are being interrogated, then they are going to shut down. If you ask questions, listen to their response, and then allow that to inform your next question, the conversation can flow nicely. Make sure that you are actively listening to what they have to say!
Agreeing to disagree – respecting people’s choices
Coach Reg reminds us that when someone shares something that does not align with us or what we desire, we can agree to disagree. We can respect what the other person is saying without making them wrong.
When you think about core values and the relationships in your life, the reason why you may have longevity is because your values are aligned. If you are in a flourishing relationship, it is most likely because your values and beliefs are aligned more than they are not. This is important in getting to know someone.
Coach Reg has developed a coaching model called DCIDE which is discuss, communicate, initiate, design, execute. When you learn this model you can become more successful and learn how to identify and strengthen the relationships that matter most.
Reframing your questions in a powerful way
If you find that you keep having the same conversations over and over again, and you are starting to feel frustrated, the last thing you want to do is tell someone “We need to talk”. Instead, say something like “I have been thinking about something, and would love to get your thoughts on it and share mine, are you open to this?” This allows them to feel included and you will lessen the possibility of them feeling attacked.
Coach Reg shares that one of the worst questions you can ask someone is “How would you feel if I did that to you?” This misplaces the focus. You want the attention to be on how you feel about something, not the way that they would feel. They may not care about something as much as you do, but they care about you and that should be enough to pay attention. When we learn how to ask better questions our relationships become stronger.
Letting go in relationships
Coach Reg reminds us that it is okay to let go of relationships. This does not mean that you failed, it means that sometimes relationships run their course. He often sees with his high-achieving clients that they want to be successful at everything. They feel like they need to make something work out no matter what. The problem with this is that you cannot control the outcome, you can only participate.
Emotional Intelligence in relationships
The components of emotional intelligence are: self-awareness, self-management, relationship management, and social awareness. With social awareness, you are reading the room and observing another person. Most people hear about love languages but Coach Reg states that they are surface-level compared to Emotional Intelligence. If you build your emotional intelligence, you will most likely be able to know another person’s love language without them having to tell you.
Being able to have conversations where the other person values your opinions and perspectives is an important part of a relationship. Coach Reg encourages his clients to ask questions and resist making statements in relationships. Instead of telling someone what they need to do, you can ask them “I am not sure if I am seeing what you are seeing, what made you choose that?”
Inviting someone to share their feelings after a conversation
After a conversation has ended, we should ask the other person how they feel. We never know if we could have said something that damaged the other person and if we are unaware of it, we are most likely going to do it again. This can lead to resentment in relationships so it is always better to ask how someone is feeling.
Extending grace as we create new habits
We all have habits around the way we interact and communicate in relationships. It may take us a while to change our habits, which is why we need to extend grace to each other and ourselves. If your partner agrees to work on this with you, then remind them of this agreement when they are getting upset. If we really care about each other, we need to extend grace and be patient.
Being open to acknowledging our blind spots
Even coaches need coaches. We may have good intentions but we all have blind spots. We might not realize how others are receiving us and that some things we say are being received differently than we intended them to. Having others point out our blind spots allows us to be more clear and see the gap in our explanations.
About Coach Reg’s book “Love, Relationships, And, Sometimes, Just Letting Go”
In 2020, Coach Reg hosted a weekly show where people asked him questions about relationships. After this ended, people told him that he should write a book and that inspired him to pull the 11 topics that he covered and create it. He intertwines real-life examples with his coaching model to help you reinforce what you are learning. You can use this book as a reference throughout your relationships!
The difference between therapy, counseling, and coaching
Therapy helps you understand the genesis of who you are, how you got there, your triggers, your trauma, and your bonds. Counseling is more about crisis. If you are trying to save your marriage, you may go to marriage counseling because you are in a crisis and the end is near. Coaching helps people move from where they are to where they say they want to be. Coach Reg shares that you can look at these as past, present, and future.
Being curious vs critical
Being curious about someone is more impactful than being critical. Being curious is asking “What do you want? What is important to you?” and then wanting to support them because you care. If we do not ask what is important to them then they will not feel valued. Being critical of someone’s choices will often make them shut down and not have the ability to listen to what you have to say. When we ask powerful questions and stay curious, the other person will feel supported.
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