Opening up about sex is easy for some people and difficult for others, but it is important for all of us to talk about. Today I am interviewing one of the most influential sex + relationship experts online, Dr. Tara, who brings her fun & energetic attitude to this conversation around sex. Join us as she shares how we can use sexual profiles as an easy way to talk about sex, the importance of sexual communication, building sexual confidence, and the basis of sexual mindfulness.
If you want to improve your sex life, this is the episode to tune into. Make sure to implement some of Dr. Tara’s teachings, take her quiz, and then let us know what you thought of the episode over on Instagram.
In this week’s episode, we discuss:
[02:00] About Dr. Tara
[03:32] How Dr. Tara became a sex and relationship coach
[08:59] Talking to a new partner about sexual preferences
[10:46] What is a sexual profile?
[17:46] Putting your sexual preferences on a dating app
[20:31] Sexual communication
[23:06] Sexual confidence and masturbation
[26:18] “Celebs Go Dating” show
[28:47] What predicts long-term sexual satisfaction?
[31:30] What people are most interested in learning from Dr. Tara
[32:19] Dr. Tara’s favorite date
About Dr. Tara
Dr. Tara is a tenured professor, a sex and relationship coach, and the number one sex educator on TikTok with over 2 million followers. She has also been featured on KTLA News, Cosmo, Women’s Health, Refinery 29, and many more.
How Dr. Tara became a sex and relationship coach
Dr. Tara grew up in a sexually conservative environment. She went from going to an all-girls catholic school to going to a high school in Finland where they practiced body neutrality. Then in graduate school, she studied relational and sexual communication. She realized how much of an issue sexual communication was and wanted to be part of the solution.
She also had an interest in becoming a sex and relationship coach because she was previously in a marriage where she felt like she could not be herself. She realized that she was not in the right marriage and that they were not compatible in the first place. She ended up leaving this relationship and is now in a wonderful relationship where she gets to live out her true desires.
Talking to a new partner about sexual preferences
Dr. Tara is a big fan of being honest about your sexual preferences from the beginning. If you are dating someone and you are about to have sex for the first time, this is a great time to start talking about what you like and don’t like. She knows that there is a lot of anxiety around this but she wants to help people to start seeing sex as playful and fun. It is okay to experiment and make mistakes!
What is a sexual profile?
Dr. Tara created sexual profiles from her years of professional experience. She created it to measure who you are as a sexual being. With this profile, you get four different aspects of someone’s sexuality:
1. Dynamic or Consistent: A dynamic lover loves change. They love trying new things in a new context. A consistent lover loves going back to what they feel comfortable in and where they can really be their sexual self. They have a favorite position and a favorite place to have sex.
2. Traditional or Kinky: Traditional means that you love conventional sex which might be just missionary and oral sex. If you are kinky, this means you are into more unconventional things.
3. Monogamous or Flexible: Monogamous means that sex is only for two people in a committed long-term relationship. Flexible means that you are open to playing with others.
4. Gentle or Animalistic: A gentle lover likes soft touches, getting caressed, whispers in the ear, and soft massages. An animalistic lover likes harder grabs, moaning, and biting.
Putting your sexual preferences on a dating app
Dr. Tara shares that once you take this quiz it would be fun to put this acronym in your dating profile. Then it makes it easier to start the conversation and see who is compatible with you.
She also shares that there were quite a few relationships in her past that lacked sexual compatibility. Back then she did not have the language to talk about it but now that she does she wants to help people who feel like she did before. This gives you the opportunity to say why you think you are sexually incompatible.
With sexual communication, there are two aspects: micro communication and macro communication. Microcommunication is the communication right before sex, during sex, or after sex. It is the things like giving feedback, communicating pleasure, dirty talk, and aftercare. Macro communication is where your partner or someone you are dating talks about sex in a non-sexual context. This may be over coffee or dinner. You are talking about your preferences, desires, and where you see your sexual self going.
There are also certain factors that will predict if a person finds sexual communication easier. One of them is if you grew up in an open-minded environment. Researchers also found that if your parents did not shame you for sexual exploration, it is easier for you to talk about sex. If you do not relate to these, that is okay! Dr. Tara reminds us that it is possible to grow and be able to talk about sex in a more open way.
Sexual confidence and masturbation
The first way to build your self-confidence around sex is self-knowledge. If you do not know yourself and you do not know how to give yourself an orgasm, then you need to start there. This gives you a foundation to build on.
Dr. Tara shares that there are many women who have never masturbated. Masturbation releases oxytocin which can help you sleep, can give you energy in the day, and can act as a painkiller. This also helps you to know what you enjoy!
“Celebs Go Dating” show
Dr. Tara is a host on a show called “Celebs Go Dating” where they matchmake celebrities. This is the 12th season and you can watch the previous seasons on Hulu.
What predicts long-term sexual satisfaction?
Dr. Tara shares that the number one thing that predicts sexual satisfaction is communication. You have to be able to communicate what you like and don’t like.
There are also other things that you can develop within yourself to have a more satisfying sex life. One of them is sexual mindfulness – which is the ability to stay present without judgment of all of the pleasure you have in your body. She has a sexual meditation list on YouTube that can help support you in this!
Another factor is your sexual self-esteem. Ask yourself these questions: How do you see yourself sexually? Is your sexual self-worth high? Do you feel like you deserve pleasure?
What people are most interested in learning from Dr. Tara
Dr. Tara says that each age group wants to learn different things from her. Younger people want to learn different ways to initiate sex, talk about it, and how to become more charismatic. People who have been in long-term relationships are usually interested in spicing things up in a realistic way.
Dr. Tara’s favorite date
Dr. Tara’s now husband took her on a date to a botanical garden. They spent hours without technology, holding hands, walking around, and spending quality time with each other.
Connect with Dr. Tara: