When it comes to men’s role in society, things are rapidly changing. Many men feel lost, disconnected, and find themselves falling into patterns of addiction. Traver Boehm, author, TEDx speaker, and founder of Man UNcivilied, was no different. After facing a series of losses, Traver found himself navigating the trenches of life which ultimately led him to pave a new path for himself and other men to follow.
Join us as he shares about the impact of societal messaging for men, why it is important to build a relationship with yourself, and how we can implement sacred sexuality to improve not just our sex lives, but life as a whole!
In this week’s episode, we discuss:
[01:39] About Traver Boehm
[03:03] What sparked the UNcivilized movement?
[10:21] Using life’s difficult moments as a catalyst for self-expression
[16:15] Where do men fit into society?
[17:59] Paving a new path for men
[21:02] The transition from a transactional relational paradigm to a co-creative paradigm
[24:46] The importance of raw, real, and relational personal development
[29:42] The impact of societal messaging
[32:31] Suppressed needs, trauma, and addiction
[37:38] Using loss as a time to open up to life changes
[39:36] Implementing sacred sexuality to improve our lives
[45:01] Trust, integrity, and communication to get beyond friction in the bedroom
[46:57] Traver’s favorite date
About Traver Boehm
Traver Boehm is a men’s coach, a two-time TEDx speaker, podcast host, author of the books “Today I Rise” and “Man UNcivilized” and the founder of the UNcivilized men’s movement. He has helped men all over the world to become uncivilized as they wake up to the power of their hearts, the brilliance of their bodies, and the wisdom of their souls. He helps his clients blaze their paths by uniquely blending the primal and divine within them. He is dedicated to doing his part to help end men’s suffering by guiding them through their journey into an actualized version of masculinity.
What sparked the UNcivilized movement?
Traver was married to the woman of his dreams, had a baby on the way, and the business that he always wanted. This all changed when he and his wife lost the pregnancy and she took it as a catalyst from the universe that they should not be together. The day after this happened, his business partner decided that they shouldn’t be in business together either. Everything that he worked for up until this point disappeared and he found himself at rock bottom. He started asking himself, for the very first time – “Who am I?” This question took him down a rabbit hole and as he was feeling into it, he found that the answers that came up resonated with other men.
After his divorce, he wrote his first book “Today I Rise” on how he used that divorce to quit drinking, smoking, and looking at porn. Men started to reach out to him after reading his book and he would have conversations with them about what was happening in their lives. This led him to see common patterns and situations among men.
He found that men were pushed to either be primal or as close to a woman as they could be. Traver then started to present a different path for men, which was right down the middle, and that is how the UNcivilized movement came to be.
Using life’s difficult moments as a catalyst for self-expression
The day that his ex-wife left him, Traver remembers sitting on the couch wondering what happened. A voice came to him and said “If you can get through this, you will come out on the other side as the person you have always wanted to be.” Although it seemed crazy, he listened to it and felt as if it were true.
He went through different initiations, rose from the ashes, and used this experience to become the man he always wanted to be. This led him to help other men see that what they were going through could be initiations too.
Where do men fit into society?
Traver shares that each of us needs to feel safe and that we fit in somewhere. We are currently at a time in society where men do not know where they fit in. We are at an intersection where they do not feel needed but they also feel like they need to step up. There is a clash of these two ideas and many men feel like there is not a place for them and they do not feel emotionally safe.
Paving a new path for men
Our current society is saying, “The old path is gone but there is not a new one yet.” This is where Traver comes in with Man UNcivilized so that there is a path with a guide to follow. He shares that men have not been given much of a choice in society until recently where they have presented a lot of choices with no guidance on which to take. Celeste shares that equal rights should not mean that we push men out.
The transition from a transactional relational paradigm to a co-creative paradigm
Traver shares that it is a confusing time for men and women because we are in the middle of transitioning out of a transactional relational paradigm into a co-creative paradigm. Men are saying “I will not share my emotions until we have this much sex” and then women are saying “I do not need a man because I have a paycheck.” This leads to a lot of anger, frustration, and loneliness.
In the middle of this loneliness is a need for actual connection, intimacy, and an aligned relationship. We have not gotten to that point yet. Traver reminds us that we have to ask ourselves what our soul wants, walk towards that, and find a partner who aligns. We are on track to get there but we are still transitioning.
The importance of raw, real, and relational personal development
Celeste shares that there is a big component missing in the personal development world – the raw and realness. This is so important, especially for men, because it was previously never okay to have these conversations. Traver shares that many men who come to him are there because of a relational breakdown. This is often because they do not have a relationship with themselves. Traver shares that men are willing to be raw and real but it has to be modeled for them. Many have been shamed for being vulnerable which makes them build their walls back up.
The impact of societal messaging
Many people do not know where they land in the middle of societal messaging. Traver shares that men have to start holding a higher standard for their potential partners. This has been demonized but being in an aligned relationship will benefit them. He asks his clients three questions to get to the bottom of what they want:
-What does your ego want?
-What does your heart want?
-What does your soul want?
We have to be willing to listen to all three because each one will reorganize our external lives. Not listening to all three is a recipe for anger, resentment, and addiction – which a lot of men experience.
Suppressed needs, trauma, and addiction
Traver shares that whatever you suppress, will come out sideways. For example, he was not getting his sexual needs met in his marriage so he looked at a lot of porn. He did not have the skills to talk to his ex-wife about what he desired so he leaned on his addictions.
He also shares that many men have been through a lot of trauma. They end up carrying around that shame and numb it by drinking, smoking, and overworking. He shares that some things are too big to put down alone and having a group of people that can help support you is huge.
Lastly, he hears about a lot of men not doing what they want in life. They are in survival mode and do not feel like they can make a change, they feel trapped, and this also leads them to lean on addictions.
Using loss as a time to open up to life changes
Traver shares that unless a loss happens, it’s difficult to make a change. We have natural openings in life when our system wheel gets shattered and this is where a lot of men come to him to create something different for themselves. If things are going great, you may not have the drive to want to shift anything. Celeste shares that some of her biggest growth in life has been at a point of loss.
Implementing sacred sexuality to improve our lives
There is more to sex than just friction. Traver invites his clients to ask their partners “What would be most expansive for you outside of the bedroom so that we can play with it IN the bedroom.” For example, if your partner is struggling with their voice in the world, they can practice being vocal in the bedroom. This may be uncomfortable at first but having sex through it and then celebrating it can lead to a deeper imprint on that person outside of the bedroom. Infusing sexual energy into an intention is the most expansive thing you can do. He also shares that the bedroom is the most unexplored realm of self-development.
Trust, integrity, and communication to get beyond friction in the bedroom
Traver shares that sacred sexuality requires an immense amount of trust, integrity, and communication. You need to be open and honest so that you can play in the “beyond-friction” and climax realm. Trust creates a much deeper sense of intimacy where you can bond on a different level.
Traver’s favorite date
Traver took a woman on a first date to an escape room based around darkness. He figured there would be forced closeness and touching but what he did not realize was that they would be separated in the beginning with masks over their heads. She started screaming and was on the verge of tears before he got to her. She ended up telling him that he put everything she hated into one date. He kissed her and said, “You’re welcome, you’ll never forget me.”
This was impactful for him because if this would have happened years before, it would have wrecked him. He would have been so upset that he planned a date that a woman did not like and would have been over apologizing. This date reminded him that he does not have to be a mind reader and that it is okay to make mistakes. They also ended up going on another date!
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