No one expects to be divorced and single at midlife but what if that experience gave you the chance to call in the man of your dreams? Seasoned psychotherapist and EFT practitioner Allison Jayne Ewing joins us today to talk about her experience with dating at midlife and how that led her to help other women find healthy, available single men who will love and adore them.
Allison debunks some common misconceptions around dating in midlife, walks us through how to use EFT tapping, and gives us practical tips to embody our inner queen from her book “Find Love Again: Learn to Date Like a Goddess”. She reminds us that dating can be a fun and positive experience when we step into our power.
If you’re ready to let go of the fear, projections of others, and the stories you’ve been told around midlife dating, you’ll love this episode.
In this week’s episode, we discuss:
[01:30] About Allison Jayne Ewing
[02:33] What led Allison to help mid-life single women call in the men of their dreams?
[07:05] Competition between women vs. sisterhood
[09:54] Making dating decisions out of fear
[13:20] How Disney impacted women’s lives
[16:56] Empowered dating and knowing your worth
[21:40] Tapping into your authentic self
[25:53] The journey vs. the destination
[30:10] The reticular activating system
[40:17] An example of EFT tapping
[50:27] Working on yourself in dating – being open and communicative
[54:28] How to crown yourself as a queen to attract your king
[1:02:05] Allison’s favorite date
About Allison Jayne Ewing
Allison Jayne Ewing is a seasoned psychotherapist and EFT practitioner. After experiencing a divorce herself, Allison decided to focus on helping other midlife women find healthy, available single men who will love and adore them. She works using a powerful tool called EFT tapping to have women clear all blocks to successful dating and open up the excitement of falling in love. She recently published her book “’Find Love Again: Learn to Date Like a Goddess” and you can get the e-book version for free!
What led Allison to help mid-life single women call in the men of their dreams?
After Allison got divorced at 42, she found herself unexpectedly single. When she started dating, other divorced women would come into her life for advice. One of the hardest things about being single in midlife is that most people are married, most activities are for married couples, and you can start to feel like the third wheel. From there, she cultivated a group of women who were all able to support and lift each other up while also sharing the ups and downs of their dating experiences. This led Allison to collect dating stories and combine them with her knowledge of neuroscience and subconscious blocks to create her book to help others.
Competition between women vs. sisterhood
In our society, women are often pitted against each other instead of connecting in sisterhood. There is a false belief in midlife dating that there is a small pool of available men and you all have to compete against each other. This is not true and it also does women a disservice because when women can come together instead of compete, we are much more powerful. Allison believes that our feminine energy is in the connection of coming together. She reminds us that you are not in competition with anyone and that “there’s a lid for every pot.”
Making dating decisions out of fear
We have a negativity bias in our brain which is 10 times more likely to see and attach to negative stimuli than positive ones. We have to be aware of this reality and not bring fear into dating. An example that Allison shares is when you are swiping on an online dating app your brain will start to say “There are no good men out there” and you go into a negative catastrophizing spiral in your mind. When you are fearful that you might not find someone, you start to think that you should go back to an ex or ignore your gut about another guy.
Celeste shares that a lot of us are afraid to be alone so we will settle even if someone has red flags. The two big fears that Allison talks about in her book are the fear of growing old alone and the fear of wanting to have a family in a certain timeframe, both can lead to settling. Fear drives us to make bad decisions so we have to make sure that we clear the fear that constantly comes in.
How Disney impacted women’s lives
Most of us grew up on Disney fairytales and had princesses as our role models. In Cinderella, there is a prince at the top of the stairs looking down at all of the women who are competing for his attention. Allison realized that she grew up with that mentality around dating where you are expected to show up for a guy and be enough for him so he chooses you. She remembered dating in her younger years and always had to show up on a first date thinking about being chosen. It did not even cross her mind that she had the choice. As she started to date again after her divorce, she used her discernment and found that was where her power was. She was in her body, comfortable in her skin, and could sit back and relax to decide if she was interested or not. If you hope that someone likes you, it puts you in a position where you could easily overlook any red flags.
Empowered dating and knowing your worth
Allison uses a concept called “Cinderella in reverse” where you picture yourself in the place of the prince. Envision yourself on the top of the steps and all of the men are trying to get your attention. When you meditate on that, your brain starts to feel like there is more possibility and you are combating the negativity bias. You start to brainwash yourself into believing that there are plenty of great men out there who want to treat you like a queen. This will help you feel more empowered and make better choices when you are dating in real life because you’re no longer acting from fear.
An insight that dropped in for her years ago was that you don’t have to do anything to earn someone’s love. Many of us have been taught to prove ourselves worthy, work really hard, be busy, and that somehow reflects our value. Allison started to become aware that she was living her life like this and made changes to know her worth.
Tapping into your authentic self
Showing up as your authentic self in dating is important because you want to attract the person that is right for you. At the end of the day, who you are is going to come out and we want to make sure that someone loves us for who we are. Allison believes that there are multiple people out there for you, and as you start to date and learn more about yourself you can start to tune into your authenticity.
The journey vs. the destination
It’s fine to believe in a soulmate, but Allison reminds us to stop thinking about finding our soulmate when dating. If you’re expecting to find your soulmate on every date, you aren’t going to make an authentic connection. Instead, go into a date asking yourself “What is the lesson here? What does this date have to teach me?” You can even find one good thing that you learned on a bad date.
You can also use this journey to learn more about yourself. You can build more confidence in yourself and dating will become a much more fun and empowering process. And as a bonus, when you start to have fun you become more magnetic to men. There are no failures in dating, just lessons learned.
The reticular activating system
When we change on the inside, what shows up in our external reality changes. This is where the part of our brain called the reticular activating system comes into play. For instance, if you decide you are going to buy a Tesla, you suddenly start to see Teslas everywhere. They were there before but you didn’t notice them. In love and dating, our reticular activating system is tuned into patterns that we have adopted from childhood. So if one of your caretakers was cold and emotionally unavailable, your psychological patterns are looking for cold and emotionally unavailable men. And that is what you are going to see. We need to clear the subconscious, figure out the pattern, and then create a new one. This is where EFT tapping can help.
An example of EFT tapping
EFT stands for emotional freedom technique and it combines Chinese medicine with traditional therapy to help you clear fears, limiting beliefs, and feelings. When you clear out things that aren’t serving you, there becomes room for all the great things to come into your life. With EFT tapping, you are pairing a problem with acceptance. If you try to muscle your way out of what your feeling, your brain will go into fight or flight. So it is important to allow these feelings to come up so we can clear them.
Follow this script if you are nervous about a date!
Start by tapping on the side of your hand and say, “Even though I’m nervous about this first date, and I feel butterflies in my stomach, I accept that I have this nervousness.” three times. Then move to the following parts of your body and say the same statement three times at each part: inside of the eyebrow, under the eye, where the upper lip and nose meet, the hollow of your neck by your collarbone, under the arm a few inches below your armpit, and then the top of your head.
When you get to this point, you stop, take a deep breath, and tune in. Start to notice how much more calm you feel. Follow more of Allison’s EFT tapping scripts on YouTube.
Working on yourself in dating – being open and communicative
If you’re getting back into dating and aren’t sure whether you need to heal more or you are ready to dive into a new relationship, ask yourself if you have the capacity to be emotionally available to another person.
Then ask yourself if you can be upfront with someone about where you are in the process of dating. Clearly communicate what you still need to work on to see if it works for them too. Both Celeste and Allison remind us that no one is perfect, and we often fall in love with others’ imperfections because it makes us feel safe and allows for deeper intimacy.
How to crown yourself as a queen to attract your king
Step one of crowing yourself as a queen is to clear out the fears you have around not being enough. A queen does not have to prove her worth, she is confident, has boundaries, and is very self-assured.
Another way to crown yourself as a queen is to be more in your feminine energy in heterosexual relationships. Feminine energy is all about creative energy and receiving energy. Masculine energy is more about action and production. Most women embody their masculine energy but then bring it into the bedroom where it isn’t helpful. Masculine energy comes off as controlling and men start to feel as if you don’t need them and they don’t have space to be in their masculine.
All kings want to be your hero. If a guy doesn’t want to be your hero and treat you like a queen, he’s not the guy for you. This does not mean that you are a doormat or that you dismiss your boundaries while he does whatever he wants, this is about you going with the flow, relaxing, and receiving. A queen lets her man treat her, open doors for her, buy her dinner, and she’s receptive and grateful for it.
Allison’s favorite date
She had a date where a guy picked Top Golf because he looked at her dating profile to see what she was interested in. She liked this because it wasn’t the “normal” dinner or coffee date and it allowed for more of a playful flirty date. Allison loves it when a man picks the date because it allows her to be more feminine.
Connect with Allison:
Learning to Date Like a Goddess with Allison Jayne Ewing
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