Certified Intimacy, Sex, and Relationship Guide Andre Lazarus joins us this week for a conversation around building deeper intimacy within our relationships. This conversation highlights the nuances within intimacy and why it takes a willingness to explore what it means to each one of us. Andre also shares his definition of sex, erotic desire, and what it means to be multisexual. Celeste and Andre even get into how BDSM goes beyond pain & pleasure and why we need to have open communication around our boundaries and limits. 

This episode is a reminder of the importance of enjoying experiences with the people who mean the most to us. If you’re looking to become a better lover, develop deeper intimacy within your life, and tap into your unique desires – make sure to tune in!

In this week’s episode, we discuss:

[01:25] About Andre Lazarus

[03:53] How Andre became an intimacy and sex coach

[07:25] What is a multisexual?

[10:52] Andre’s definition of sex

[12:51] Intimacy is more than just physical connection

[20:18] What is erotic desire?

[26:44] Ways to explore BDSM 

[31:48] Communication, boundaries, and hard limits

[35:12] How can men become better lovers?

[40:01] Both people’s pleasure matters in a relationship

[42:36] It’s never too late to be happy or to try something new

[46:45] “Sometimes people just want to be heard”

[48:26] Andre’s favorite date

About Andre Lazarus

Andre Lazarus is a Certified Intimacy, Sex, and Relationship Guide, trained Surrogate Partner, as well as Sacred Intimate with 10 years of experience helping individuals and couples discover their intimate and erotic power. As a multisexual being experienced in Consensual Non-Monogamous dynamics, Andre’s unique approach to sexuality, sensuality, and the bond people share make him a thought leader and knowledgeable practitioner speaking on multiple podcasts and running retreats/workshops around the world. Andre specializes in erotic desire, sexless relationships, sexual trauma healing, erectile concerns, rapid ejaculation, BDSM, consensual non-monogamy, and more.

How Andre became an intimacy and sex coach

Andre has gone through many changes and shifts in his life. The people closest to him, who had experienced talking with him about intimate issues, told him that he should do this work for a living. He was in the military for eight years and did not think that he would ever step away from that world and step into a world focused on love and connection. 

Intimate connection and sexuality are not something that is at the forefront of everyone’s mind. Even though more information is coming out about things, this is still in its infancy and he wants to help spread this awareness. 

What is a multisexual?

It has always been difficult for Andre to label himself. When we talk about sexual orientation, he feels like his desire for connection is always changing and shifting. He never felt like he was a heterosexual being but he knew that he was not gay. There were orientations that he was researching, such as bisexuality, that did not feel like it fully embodied what he felt. He has always had a strong romantic and physical connection with women but also a desire for exploration and intimacy with men and other nonbinary people. He was trying to find a way to describe himself and he found that multisexuality fit him best. Multisexuality is where you find inner desire and connection with multiple beings in multiple ways and this can shift and move. 

Andre’s definition of sex

Andre sees sex as any experience that provides you with some form of feeling, stimulation, or enjoyment that has the potential to bring you to a heightened orgasmic state. We usually think about sex as this physical experience of one person touching another but this does not have to be what sex is. Sex can be reading a book that turns you into an orgasmic state. It can also be getting a massage that brings you to a heightened orgasmic state. In his eyes, this is all sex. 

This has helped his clients reframe sex because sometimes the idea of sex as a penetrative experience can be difficult for them or it is unachievable depending on where they are at in their lives.

Intimacy is more than just physical connection

When we think about intimacy, we often think that it is just physical. There are so many different types of intimacy such as emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and any other way that people like to connect. When we talk about energetic sex, a lot of times this may not even involve the physical interaction of two people. It may be that they are in the same space or they are breathing together. Andre’s definition of intimacy is very broad because we all desire unique things. 

Celeste is educating her clients on the other forms of intimacy. With heteronormative relationships, women are more likely to desire emotional connection. There are so many different ways to express intimacy. 

Andre shares that even a man being intimate with another man can still fulfill that need for intimacy. There is often a fear in men that if they hug or kiss another man, they are no longer in the identity that they thought they were. This is not the case and you can share intimate moments with someone – while not having it be romantic or physical. This is how we connect and it does not have to be sexual or erotic. We want to share our experiences with people because human connection is important. 

He also shares that he enjoys exploring different realms of intimate connection but touch is very important to him. He enjoys giving and receiving touch from people and others do not realize how vital this is. If you are having a horrible day and someone asks you if you need a hug, this 5 to 10-second hug can dramatically shift this person’s day. Next time you hug someone, rather than it be for a few seconds, challenge yourself to hug them for longer and see how different this experience is for your nervous system. This can help us bring new vitality into our days. 

What is erotic desire?

The way that Andre looks at erotic desire is the moment in life where he feels the most turned on and elated. This does not have to be sexual. Your erotic desire might be taking a bath and having the bubbles and warm water drape across your body. He believes that erotic desire comes from something within us that does not always get a chance to come out. When we can come into the power of our erotic desire, then nothing in the world can stop us.

There is also a difference between a desire and a need. We need water, we cannot survive without it. But we might desire to have a lemon in our water to give it more flavor. When we think about desire, what is it in our life that we are wanting?w

As for erotism, Andre sees it as an untapped area within us that turns us on in a more sexual intimate space. Celeste shares that for her, being intellectually stimulated is a turn-on. Andre shares that he believes that we all just want to feel something. Even when feelings can be uncomfortable or painful, we want to feel alive.

When we talk about erotic connection – these are gateways for us to feel. When we talk about psychedelics or plant medicine, those are tools for us to tap into our feelings and desires. There is no right or wrong with this, we need to explore and see what we desire.  

Ways to explore BDSM 

Andre shares that he enjoys the practice of BDSM in his professional and personal life. There are many ways to explore this dynamic but until you have had a shibari rope on your body or practiced sensory deprivation, you do not know the feeling that it is going to elicit for you. He reminds us that we do not have to explore everything within BDSM to fit into this category. We also do not need to feel pain, enjoy toys, or sex dungeons to explore this space. Just using your hands on someone’s body in a soft way can be in the realm of BDSM. You can also have a BDSM scene with someone just by looking into their eyes or commanding them to sit or stand. Once we do some research and get to know ourselves more, there is a whole other world that might open up to us in the realm of intimacy, play, and sexuality. 

Communication, boundaries, and hard limits

The cornerstone to all intimate connection, erotic connection, understanding your intimacy, and BDSM, is communication. We need to explore things we do and don’t like so we can be open and honest with our partners. We need to know our hard limits and boundaries and then communicate them before we go into an intimate experience. There is a lot of stigma around BDSM and when you have the chance to talk about it, it can ease the nervousness or fear around this space. 

Celeste shares a story where someone brought up their BDSM desires in a moment where they were going to be intimate and she was completely caught off guard. We cannot surprise people with these things, we need to communicate with them beforehand so that they have the choice to go down this road or not. 

How can men become better lovers?

Andre believes that communication is vitally important. This not only includes communication with a partner or potential lover but also communication with yourself. Are you asking yourself what you desire in connection and what it is that feels good for you? If we are only focused on the external and holding space for someone else, then we might not be getting what we want. We might assume by giving and giving then eventually someone will give back to us but this is not always the case.

He says to be the best lover possible, we need to figure out what feels good for us and how we can co-create experiences with a partner through communication, understanding what you both enjoy and what you like to give and relieve intimately. One person might be more intellectually drawn and the other person has no idea because they did not communicate this with them. When we get to know each other past the surface-level questions, then we can be a better lover. 

In a physical sense, ask our partner where they like to be touched, check in as we are doing things, and then speak up when we are receiving. If something does not feel good, speak up instead of waiting for it to end. Or if something is feeling great then let them know. Communication heightens any physical or emotional experience that you have. Celeste shares that women need to learn how to speak up more. They have traditionally been taught to focus on the man’s pleasure and this is not okay. 

Both people’s pleasure matters in a relationship

In a physical relationship, both people’s pleasure matters. Andre often notices with his clients that they think that they have to do something to pleasure their partner. He then asks them, “How often are you getting what you want?” and they say that they do not really talk about that. Both parties need to speak up and have these conversations before sex. If there is something that you want to experience in the connection you are about to have, you need to share that. You cannot just hope that things will happen or will not happen, you have to speak up. If a person cannot meet you are is pressuring you, then that is not the person for you. 

It’s never too late to be happy or to try something new

Many people think that it is too late for them to make a change in their lives – but it is never too late to learn or shift. We can have what we desire in our relationships even if we have never had it before. Even if you are in a sexless marriage, cannot have an orgasm, or never feel pleasure – you can shift this. There are people out there who can help you. This might feel lonely but you are not alone in this. This takes courage and practice to share what you are going through but if you do not, then there is never a chance for things to change. 

Celeste educates her friends and clients that it is never too late to be happy or try something new. You only get one life and no outside source is going to fight for your pleasure and happiness – you need to advocate for yourself!

“Sometimes people just want to be heard”

Andre reminds us that sometimes people just want to be heard. They do not want advice or for you to fix them, they just want someone else to hear them. So if you desire to share something but are afraid that someone is going to give you advice, you can tell the person you are talking to this statement, “I am working through something really challenging and I am not looking for anyone to fix or solve anything, I just want to be heard”. Or if you are the one supporting someone you can always ask them if they are looking for advice or just someone to talk to. This is a way you can show up for them in the best way possible. 

Andre’s favorite date

Andre is a big proponent of plant medicine therapy. One of his favorite moments was with his partner when they were at a beautiful campground in California and they had done plant medicine with one another. They sat and talked next to a creek with the sun shining and they did not need other external stimulation. It was just the two of them and being present with one another was so valuable. 

He reminds us that our time here is limited so we need to enjoy the experiences that we have with the people who mean the most to us. Doctors have told stories about regrets that people have had in their lives and it was not about the money, cars, or houses, it was that they wish they would have invested more time in their relationships. 

Connect with Andre:

Website

Instagram 

“Talented Lover” Course