Trauma-informed relationship coach Yvonne Rake joins us this week for a deep conversation around navigating triggers, trauma, and living out our desires. Whether you are looking to attract a different type of partner or you are interested in inner work, this episode has something for everyone! Yvonne shares with us the top reasons why women cannot find their perfect partner, how we can figure out our triggers, and why we need to do the “deeper work” if we want to manifest our desires.
Yvonne’s story showcases what can happen when we dig deep, get vulnerable, and improve our self-worth. She reminds us that this work is a journey that takes consistent daily practice but in time, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come! Tune in and then share with us your biggest takeaway on Instagram @celestemooreimage.
In this week’s episode, we discuss:
[01:31] About Yvonne Rake
[03:13] What led Yvonne to become a life coach?
[08:28] The importance of sharing our stories
[11:29] Just because something is familiar does not mean it is healthy
[13:32] Reasons why women can’t find their perfect partner
[16:42] Breaking the habit of “doing” to receive
[19:29] Seeking validation from our partners
[21:18] Does receiving ever get easier for women?
[23:55] How to figure out what your triggers are
[27:26] The protective mechanism of anger
[32:39] The power of human connection
[37:24] Practice getting vulnerable
[41:01] What is trauma?
[43:16] How can we heal trauma?
[45:19] Manifesting desires – we also need to do the deeper work
[48:04] Recognizing our power & getting clear on what we want
[50:19] Manifestation takes daily work & commitment
[53:03] Yvonne’s favorite date
About Yvonne Rake
Yvonne Rake is a trauma-informed relationship coach and host of the podcast “Dating Greatly”. With her compassionate and down-to-earth approach, she guides individuals through their healing process, helping them rewrite limiting beliefs, cultivate self-love, and gain clarity on their desires. Yvonne’s mission is to empower women to manifest the happy relationship they deserve.
What led Yvonne to become a life coach?
In her mid-20s, Yvonne had more than a handful of relationships behind her that were toxic, dysfunctional, and overall awful. The last relationship that she had before she decided enough was enough lasted four years. She was with an alcoholic and she knew within the first year that this relationship was not healthy – but it carried on for 3 more years. She became a shell of herself and only wanted to make sure that he was pleased and that she was doing everything right for him. Within that time, she developed an autoimmune disorder and without his support, she ended it because she knew that she needed to make a change.
She started to go to therapy, do yoga, and added more self-care into her life. She noticed that her relationships started to get better, she was attracting more healthy people, and yet there was much to be desired. She still did not feel fulfilled. This led her to take a life coaching course to help herself feel better and figure out her career. She then took a trauma-informed therapy coaching certification with Dr. Gabor Mate and this transformed her life. For the first time, she could see why she chose those men, why she had the patterns she did, and why she was not able to leave. Since then, she has felt 100% herself and is in an amazing relationship with her attentive and supportive partner.
Yvonne saw how far she had come and wanted to help other women. Being able to give them the knowledge and experience to help them understand themselves and their choices is one of her favorite things.
The importance of sharing our stories
Celeste shares that people need to understand what struggles their coach, consultant, or therapist has gone through. This is not always talked about but it allows all of us to build deeper connections. At the end of the day, we are all human and we need some type of reason, story, or feeling to connect.
Just because something is familiar does not mean it is healthy
We need to recognize why we choose the partners we do. Yvonne shares that she was consistently choosing men who had the negative traits of her father. She shares that even after you shift this, navigating the unfamiliar feels scary – even if it is more healthy. You have you constantly reassure yourself that it is okay and that just because something is familiar does not mean it is healthy. Celeste shares that you have to retrain what healthy means for you.
Reasons why women can’t find their perfect partner
For many single women, there are a few different reasons why they cannot find their perfect partner. For one, they are often very scared of attracting the wrong person. Then they are led by this fear and they fall into a space of insecurity. They start to develop a neediness of wanting affection from this place of desperation. Another issue is that women feel like they need to do something to receive love.
Breaking the habit of “doing” to receive
Yvonne shares that breaking the habit of “doing” to receive takes daily practice and awareness. This often stems from our childhood because if our parents were upset with us and we wanted to get back on their good side, we would do something for them. We often carry this into relationships and choose connection over authenticity.
She also shares that she still catches herself wanting to do something for her partner if he had a bad day, even if she did not want to do it. It is one thing to do something for your partner because you love them but it is another to do something just because you want to make up for something else. This takes practice and constant awareness
Seeking validation from our partners
Oftentimes, women in relationships are looking for validation from their partners because they do not know how to give it to themselves. For example, if you want to hear “you are a good mother” from your partner, there may be a part of you that does not believe that you are a good mother. Self-validation is challenging work and takes everyday practice but the more we can validate ourselves the more we can settle into our feminine energy.
Does receiving ever get easier for women?
Getting to a place where you can receive comes from your self-worth. You need to believe that you are worthy enough to receive. Many of us do not believe this and we have deep-seated beliefs about not being good enough, being unloveable, and being unworthy. All of these have to be rewritten. Building self-worth is a daily practice and you have to start treating yourself how you would want a partner to treat you.
How to figure out what your triggers are
Yvonne shares that we get triggered all the time. It is the thing that makes your stomach drop in the moment or something that causes instant irritation. Yvonne’s teacher Dr. Gabor Mate describes it as a loaded gun that is already in your hand and a trigger is just the release point. So when someone triggers you, there is a much bigger picture and a childhood wound is usually being activated in those moments.
In relationships, you want to get to a point where you do not react. We do not want to be impulsive. The key is when you get triggered to notice the reactions in your body. Yvonne knows that she gets really hot or her stomach drops. Take time to notice these things and ask yourself “What happened? Why am I triggered? What wound is being activated?” Then in these situations when you get triggered, you know that it is not your partner’s fault. The more time you can spend in self-reflection and know where these triggers came from – the better you will be. Yvonne also reminds us to give ourselves grace for having reactions along the way.
The protective mechanism of anger
Yvonne shares that anger is always covering fear, grief, or sadness. Anger is there to protect us and it is usually the easiest to jump to. So if we can even look past the anger, see what is underneath, and allow ourselves to process it, it will be better for ourselves and our relationships. This takes practice but it is doable. Do your best to not react in those moments, even if that means walking away for a bit to defuse your feelings.
Anger is often easier because we are “behind a protective shield.” When you go into your sadness or grief, it is more raw and uncomfortable. A lot of times we do not allow ourselves to go there but if we do, that is when we can allow more light into our lives. Celeste shares that she has experienced keeping her shield up but once she healed things, everything became much lighter. She found that she could give and relieve more easily and her relationships were even more beautiful.
The power of human connection
The more we are in anger and protection, the more we keep our connection closed off. If we can take down our shield, it allows for more human connection. There is nothing greater than human connection and Celeste shares that this is what makes us different than other animals. Yvonne shares that she had a deep-rooted belief that she did not belong. She felt this throughout her childhood and then at a women’s circle a few years ago. She was able to heal that with the help of the women within that circle and it was a beautiful experience. The human connection allows us to not feel so alone.
Practice getting vulnerable
Yvonne shares that it is important to practice getting vulnerable – even if it is just with friends. Eye contact is a very vulnerable thing and if you can practice this with the people around you, it will help you in your future partnerships. Yvonne also talks about the importance of thinking of the people you feel the most comfortable and safe with. That is the type of person that you would want to be with and we need to tap into that energy.
What is trauma?
People often think of trauma as a bad event that happened such as an injury or abuse. This is not always the case. Trauma is not the event that happens, it is the response to the event. So in childhood, we have to think about the event that happened and then what happened afterwards. Were you supported or reassured? For many people, they did not talk to someone about these traumatizing moments so there was no chance to fully recover from them.
How can we heal trauma?
Therapy is an important place to start if you want to heal your trauma. Yvonne shares that some of our patterns seem innocent but still having a therapist to explore things is a very good first step. Then using things like compassionate inquiry or somatic therapy where you go into the body and the sensations, is really beneficial.
In her coaching, Yvonne brings in a compassionate inquiry approach and then once you do this, you can go back and transform these patterns. With all of this, you are taking care of yourself as you would a small child. You take care of them, hug them, and spend time with them. Within that, you can develop self-care routines. With healing, it is so vital to have at least 5 minutes a day where you are connecting with your body in some way. This strengthens the connection between yourself and your intuition.
Manifesting desires – we also need to do the deeper work
To manifest our desires we need to do deeper work as well. If we do not do the trauma work or understand our past, we will start to get in the same cycles and it is going to be difficult to break out of them. After we dive into our patterns, we need to have a clear vision. Asking yourself questions such as: “What do you want from your life? What do you want your life to look like? Who do you want to be? How do you want to feel every day?” is important. Visualizing your confidence and grace and feeling into what you desire is also powerful.
Affirmations are very powerful for this work as well. Every morning Yvonne stands in the mirror and spends time looking at herself saying: “I am confident. I am beautiful. I am at peace. I am so successful. I am happy.” This helps her stay creative and motivated even on her most difficult days. Those affirmations can move mountains!
Recognizing our power & getting clear on what we want
We have the power to attract the right person and to live the life that we desire. Celeste shares that when you are clear on what you want out of life, then everything can fall into place. We might get off track but we can get right back on and the faster you can get back on, the better you will be.
Manifestation takes daily work & commitment
Yvonne shares that before she manifested her partner, she was taking walks and talking to herself out loud constantly. She was always repeating the affirmations “I am worthy, I am good, I am love.” This was a daily practice and she was so committed to her vision. She reminds us that manifesting our desires takes daily work and commitment. Celeste shares that this also helps you get clear on your boundaries as well.
Yvonne’s favorite date
One of Yvonne’s favorite dates was the first date with her current partner where they went on a hike and had a picnic. The sun was setting and they felt so naturally comfortable with each other. It was magical watching the sunset and leaning into each other. Before this date happened, she visualized their first kiss and it ended up being exactly how she envisioned it.
Connect with Yvonne:
Exploring Triggers, Trauma, and Manifesting Our Desires with Yvonne Rake
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