Dating in today’s world can be difficult for anyone. Add in the experience of divorce, past relationship baggage, unrealistic expectations, and modern technology and you could have a recipe for disaster. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I invited Dr. Sesto, counselor and motivational speaker, to join us in discussing the layered approach you can take to build a successful, healthy, memorable-for-all-the-right-reasons relationship.
This episode, I talk about:
[2:52] Dr. Sesto’s background and mission
I met Dr. Sesto back in 1998, when we were coworkers at a high end eyewear boutique. A lot has changed since then! Over the 25 years that I’ve known him, Dr. Sesto has received his Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at University of Nevada, Las Vegas, Master’s degree in Human Services/Counseling University of Phoenix and a Ph.D. in Human Services/Specialty in Counseling at Capella University.
He’s continued to follow his passion and is excited to work alongside others to help them figure out why we are who we are and to guide them in channeling into their mind, body, and soul to exemplify their life’s purpose.
On top of running his own private practice, Dr. S is a radio personality, motivational speaker, and a counselor in the Clark County School District.
[9:07] The definition of a ‘healthy’ relationship
In this episode, I wanted to talk with you about how important it is that people are in a healthy mental state before jumping into another relationship. Dr. Sesto brings up a great point, discussing the importance of defining what exactly a ‘healthy’ relationship is, as sometimes our backgrounds or experiences can have us thinking toxic or unhelpful behaviors are actually ‘healthy.’
Dr. Sesto offers that an example of a healthy starting point would be being whole as a person. When you have done the inner work and are whole as a person, you don’t need another person to fill a void. You are feeling good mentally, emotionally, and spiritually about who you are before you begin to seek out taking on a relationship with another person.
[10:45] Taking responsibility for your part in new (& past) relationships
So many people step into dating or a new relationship right after a breakup or divorce without taking the time to sit down and introspectively look at why that relationship really ended. This can cause you to play the victim or blame your previous partner for what went wrong, which isn’t going to serve you well in your next relationship.
Dr. Sesto talks us through how he takes responsibility for his mindset and actions before, during, and after any relationship. This type of reflection will help you avoid running into the same pitfalls over and over (and over) again.
[13:01] How unrealistic expectations can sabotage your success (& what to do about it)
Occasionally, I run into people who approach dating with these unrealistic expectations, clinging to them even though they have consistently caused poor results.
Dr. Sesto explains that in the process of psychotherapy, he guides people to go inward and backwards in time to discover the actual root of those expectations. Is it society’s imprint? Ego? A void from childhood? It’s truly a different journey for everybody, largely based on the maturity of your soul.
[18:09] The importance of human interaction in the modern dating world
Dating has undergone immense changes over the past few decades. Previous generations felt the thrill of meeting someone at random, the first sparks of the relationship being touching hands for the first time. In this modern world of dating apps, people swipe left and right, and text each other before actually meeting in person. As the older generation may struggle to connect through technology, Dr. Sesto and I discuss how the younger generation may struggle to connect at all without face-to-face human interaction, and how this affects the outcome of marriage and family expectations.
[21:04] Why being clear on you deal breakers and values is important
I believe it is important to go into a new relationship not only healed from the last one, but having a clearer picture of what it is you want and don’t want from the next. Having solid deal breakers can actually be paramount to being happy and healthy.
Dr. Sesto reveals how his deal breakers have changed over the years, and how focusing on getting to know yourself and your values can lead to the most powerful and exciting relationship of your lifetime.
[28:55] What it really means when you’re comparing all relationships to your last one
When you find yourself comparing your new relationship to a previous one, what does it really mean? It can be easy to fall into the comparison game, but it’s not always about getting over “the ex.” Dr. Sesto explains that if you find yourself comparing your dates or your partner, it’s time to take a step back from dating to figure out what’s really going on. Whatever experience you’ve been through, the next step in the process all starts with you. You have to take the time to take inventory of yourself and discover if you’re trying to fill a void in a way that only benefits you, or if you’re simply clear on what you do or don’t want in a partnership.
[29:39] How doing the work benefits your future relationships
If you take one thing away from this episode, I really want you to understand and know that it’s okay to see a therapist. It can be so beneficial to figure out what’s going on inside your head and your heart and how to begin to heal.
Dr. Sesto shares that the pain or hurt that you’re feeling from your last relationship can stay with you, and if you carry that into your next relationship (consciously or not), it’s not going to bring you the results you’re searching for. When you take the time to do the work, you can enter that next relationship as the healthiest version of yourself and set yourself up for success.
Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode! Come and hang out with me on Instagram @celestemooreimage and let me know your thoughts on today’s episode, because I always love hearing from you all!