If you’re struggling with limiting beliefs, shame around sexual exploration, or stepping outside of your comfort zone – you aren’t alone. This week we are joined by transformational life coach, Tony Endelman for a conversation around the power that we hold to make a difference in our lives. Join us as we dive into the male loneliness epidemic, why support is key in dissolving shame, and exercises to overcome anxiety and depression.

If you can relate to feeling lost and unfulfilled, this episode will inspire you to create the life you want!

In this week’s episode, we discuss:

[01:29] About Tony Endelman

[04:02] How Tony became a transformational life coach

[10:49] Examining your behavior

[14:59] “How to not be the biggest fucking downer on the planet”

[18:42] Exercises to overcome anxiety or depression 

[23:45] Letting go of attachment & dealing with rejection

[30:00] Get outside of your comfort zone

[31:51] Shame around sexual exploration

[39:57] Tony’s “Integrated Man University”

[43:26] The impact of enmeshment on loneliness

[46:28] “Most men are taught from a young age how to please a woman”

[50:14] Moving beyond societal pressures

[55:21] One of Tony’s favorite dates

About Tony Endelman

Tony Endelman is an author, popular self-help blogger, certified transformational life coach, and certified happiness trainer. He is also one of Dr. Robert Glover’s elite certified No More Mr. Nice Guy coaches. Tony’s recently released book, THE BIG STICK: Collected & Applied Wisdom from the Teachings of Dr. Robert Glover encapsulates nearly 40 years of wisdom put forth by Dr. Glover. 

Born and raised in Omaha, Nebraska, Tony now lives in New Orleans.  His humorous and unconventional self-help has been featured in The Huffington Post, YAHOO!, Lifehack, Mindvalley, Thought Catalog, Thrive Global, Tiny Buddha, and The Good Men Project.  In his coaching business, Tony works with clients both 1-on-1 and through his group program for men, Integrated Man University. 

How Tony became a transformational life coach

In his 20’s, Tony was miserable and dealing with depression and anxiety. Then before his 30th birthday, he started to deal with a bunch of different issues. He wrote a book that did not sell, he hated his 9-5, he started a marketing company that failed, he had no dating prospects, and then his father passed away unexpectedly. This was a big shock that knocked him down, yet also made him realize how unpredictable life was. He knew that if he did not make any changes, he was going to continue to be miserable.

He started to do things that he was scared of and made big changes in his life. He found NLP which went over six levels of human change and transformation. They said that the easiest change was to change your environment. So he moved to New Orleans for a fresh start. When he got there, he started to repeat the same patterns. He started dating a woman who later broke his heart and led him to Dr. Glover’s work. 

In the past, Tony would always think that the woman he dated was crazy, that something was wrong with them, and blamed them. He then started to look at the common denominator in all of his relationships, which was him. He started to look at his patterns & behavior and Dr. Glover ended up becoming the best mentor in his life. He started to make a career pivot and ultimately became a full-time coach, writer, and online entrepreneur.  

Examining your behavior

Celeste shares that it is very brave to look at yourself and make a change. Tony said that he thought it was more scary to stay where he was rather than step outside of his comfort zone and face some of his fears. Looking at and examining your behavior is tough, you have to come to terms with your faulty behaviors, beliefs, and paradigms. You have to be brutally honest with yourself because you cannot make a change if you do not do that first. 

Dr. Glover’s book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” is very confronting but facing yourself is the first step towards transformation. You need to be honest about what your shortcomings are and what you want to change. Celeste shares that 17 years ago she was in a brutally honest leadership training. She thought that she could hide these behaviors and patterns but when 30 people say the same thing about you, then you have to come to terms with it. 

“How to not be the biggest fucking downer on the planet”

One of the most popular essays on Tony’s website is “How to not be the biggest fucking downer on the planet”. This was about his battle with depression and how everyone kept telling him that he was a downer. They were saying this out of love and concern and he says that you need friends that will be this honest with you. This will help you to be honest with yourself and make a change. 

Working through depression and anxiety is also difficult. Happiness is not something that you can just choose to think about one day. It takes work and an unbreakable promise to yourself to do something about it, no matter what it takes. 

Exercises to overcome anxiety or depression 

Most of Tony’s clients are men who have read Dr. Glover’s book and want support. Most nice guys have this low-grade chronic depression that is always with them. The common denominator amongst these men is that they overthink and overanalyze everything which leads to depression and anxiety. Most of them have self-limiting beliefs, deal with toxic shame, and do not feel as if they are okay just as they are. Many of these men think they are unloveable or defective in some way. 

The first thing that Tony recommends is meditation. This has completely changed his life and is the most effective tool in combatting your monkey mind. He also reminds us that we cannot do this work alone. You cannot overcome the toxic shame, anxiety, limiting beliefs, or nice guy syndrome alone. Find a men’s group, a coach, a mentor, or other men that you can relate to. 

Tony also recommends eating healthier, getting exercise, and staying off of the internet. Be very mindful about the content you consume because if you are just doom scrolling, obsessing over women on Instagram, or playing video games – this will not serve you. He also recommends becoming the observer of your thoughts not the believer of them. You need to understand the bullshit stories you are telling yourself because most of them are not true. 

Letting go of attachment & dealing with rejection

Letting go of attachment to the outcome makes a huge difference in life when it comes to relationships and dating. You need to become the master of moving on. Celeste shares that there is so much pressure for everything to be perfect and for the outcome to be exactly what you want it to be but this is not realistic. Going with the flow allows for much more fun and grace. 

Tony reminds us that dating in 2024 comes with a lot of rejection. Celeste shares that it is great to get rejected because then you know that person is not the one for you. Tony says that it is not the rejection that hurts, but the story we attach to it. He recommends to go out and get rejected. Talk to five women and try to get rejected. This does not mean that you act offensive, but let go of the attachment and be you. You will realize that it is hard to get rejected five times and when you do, you realize it was not so bad. 

Get outside of your comfort zone

If you do not ask people out, then your answer is always going to be no. You never know what getting outside of your comfort zone could do for you. The next person you talk to could be the love of your life so if you stay in a pattern of never doing anything that brings you fear, you will never take action. Celeste reminds us that going outside of our comfort zone is a muscle we have to work. It takes practice and we need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. 

Shame around sexual exploration

Tony had a lot of insecurities and shame around sex and sexuality. When he moved to New Orleans, he told himself he was going to get more comfortable with his sexuality and being a sexual person. He started to date a lot, live out his fantasies, and tried to have as many experiences as he could. This is the path he took and it served a healthy purpose for him. This was the only way that he was going to get over the shame and insecurity. 

In our society, we are bombarded with sexual stimuli yet it is still taboo. It is difficult for people to grow up and have healthy and fulfilling sex lives. Celeste shares that a lot of the shame comes from religion and a heteronormative society. Tony shares that for 99% of people, their first sexual experience was hidden, secretive, and filled with shame and anxiety which sets the tone for the future. We can all be a part of the healing process and have a fulfilling sex life. 

Tony’s “Integrated Man University”

Tony reminds us that we cannot do this work alone. He put his heart and soul into his program “Integrated Man University” which houses 100 video lessons on every area of life. He covered everything from nice guy syndrome to attraction, dating & relationships, sex, happiness, and career success. The best part about it is that you become a part of this tribe of men. They have group calls every week and you will have that support. They all reveal themselves to each other and share what is going on in their lives. There is an epidemic of loneliness among men because many of them feel like they do not have friends. So just having this connection with other men is so impactful.

The impact of enmeshment on loneliness

Tony says that a big contributing factor to adult male loneliness is that they have become enmeshed in their relationships. Many of these men are married and wrap their entire identities up in their marriage. They have lost sight of their friendships, their hobbies, and their passions. They have lost sight of most of the other things in their life because they have become so enmeshed in their relationships. 

It is not practical to have one person meet all of your needs, be each other’s best friend, solve each other’s problems, and do everything together. This does not work and we need to have multiple relationships in our lives. Many men are under the illusion of what women could do for them. Tony shares that when he was in a dark place he would often think “If only I had a woman in my life I would be happy”. Another person cannot make you happy or fix your problems – this comes from within. 

“Most men are taught from a young age how to please a woman”

Most men were raised from birth learning how to please a woman. This is why they go through life thinking that they need to please a woman to get their approval and make them happy. This is not only seen within families and religion but also through media and entertainment. We have all seen Disney movies that have unrealistic expectations. 

Moving beyond societal pressures

Tony shares that no one sits down and tells us the truth about college, getting a job, buying a house, or getting married. We often put our parents on pedestals when we are younger but when we are older we realize that they did not know how to navigate this either. Many people want you to make the decisions that they made, even though those decisions did not make them happy. Tony personally believes that marriage is not from him and he sees his friends unhappy in their marriage yet asking him when he is going to get married. We do not have to follow the path that people or society laid out for us. 

One of Tony’s favorite dates

When Tony just moved to New Orleans, he met a woman and they had a classic New Orleans date. They had an amazing Creole dinner, went to Frenchmen Street, saw amazing live music, and had a beautiful time exploring the city. They ended up making out in her car and it was a very romantic date.

Connect with Tony:

Website

“The Big Stick”