Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you weren’t a priority? Unfortunately, that is the case for so many of us – including our guest today. Author Trevor Justice joins us today to showcase how he went from feeling like a low priority in his relationships to attracting love and respect which eventually led him to his soulmate.

Join us as we dive into how we can make an internal change to attract the love we deserve, how to rephrase judgments into feelings to evoke empathy from our partners, and the importance of standing up for ourselves and our boundaries. This episode shows us that we are what we attract and by making internal changes – we can all have the relationships that we deeply desire!

In this week’s episode, we discuss:

[01:21] About Trevor Justice

[03:09] The importance of standing up for yourself 

[09:37] How Trevor got to the point of attracting women who respected him

[12:20] How Trevor decided to help men and women 

[14:55] Rephrasing judgments into feelings to evoke empathy

[19:16] How do you attract partners who value you?

[24:23] Helping people reframe their self-beliefs

[27:51] Trevor’s magic request formula

[33:30] Navigating an anxious attachment style

[38:05] Trevor’s favorite date

About Trevor Justice

Trevor Justice is the author of Attract Love and Respect: 5 Ways to Be Valued in Your Relationships. As leader of a men’s circle where men reveal their true selves, Trevor knows the insider secrets to winning a man’s heart, respect, and commitment. For years, he fell for women who treated him as a low priority. He faked a smile but felt like crap inside. At places like The Ford Institute and The Center for Spiritual Living, he discovered that he was unconsciously putting out signals that repelled love and respect, instead of attracting these qualities.

After making an internal change, he started attracting respectful women and was elected leader of his men’s circle. He became the man his soulmate was looking for, and in 2020, he met her. Today they’re engaged. Now he’s on a mission to teach others what he discovered and liberate them from bad relationship patterns. With media acclaim from CBS, NBC, and Fox, Trevor is recognized for freeing people from ineffective relationship patterns, so their partners make them a priority. 

The importance of standing up for yourself 

For many years, Trevor felt like a low priority in his relationships. In 2015, he was in an open relationship and both the women he was dating were crossing his boundaries. He did not feel respected but he also did not want to rock the boat. He faked a smile and pretended everything was cool but the truth was that he was not feeling valued. One night when he was with one of his girlfriends, she said that she would be able to be intimate with him if he put on some muscle and took her to expensive restaurants. This was the first time he said no even though he wanted to win her over. 

Trevor says that there is no right or wrong in this situation but you need to be true to yourself. The interesting thing that happened was that this was the night she opened up to him because he showed that he was respecting himself. At this moment, he learned that he deserved better and needed to stand up for himself more. 

Trevor reminds us that we all deserve to be accepted the way we are at this moment right now. Celeste shares that this comes from looking inward and having self-love. This sometimes takes a lot of work and moving a lot of old belief systems out of the way. Loving yourself is a life journey but the moment you understand that it starts with you, you can then attract your partner.

How Trevor got to the point of attracting women who respected him

Trevor shares that it is one thing to say to yourself “I love myself, I am worthy” but it is so much more powerful when you stop people pleasing, set boundaries, or stand up for yourself. If you put yourself second, you are teaching your heart that you do not deserve more and you are teaching the other person that they can prioritize what they want instead of what you want. When this happens, you are going to continue to attract people who treat you that way. 

When you speak up for yourself in a relationship, that is what teaches your heart and sends a message to the universe that you value yourself and that you require being valued. When Trevor went through this internal shift, the women who started to show up in his life were women who treated him with respect. This is because people value you as much as you value yourself – like attracts like.

How Trevor decided to help men and women 

Trevor had a friend who felt frustrated because all of the men she dated only wanted to be friends with benefits. He ended up telling her what he learned and made some suggestions for her. Shortly after this, she met a wonderful partner who moved in with her, helped her raise her two daughters, and they now have a baby together. She suggested that he should help other people or offer this coaching and he started to do just that. 

Rephrasing judgments into feelings to evoke empathy

Trevor shares that a lot of times we are placing judgements onto others vs sharing our feelings with them. For example, saying “I feel that you’re inconsiderate when you leave me alone at a party” is actually a judrgement, not a feeling. When people feel judged, they do not open up to you. They are defensive and may put their guard up. When you share the actual feelings in your body or the emotions in your heart, this will evoke empathy from the other person. So a way that you could rephrase that statement would be “When you leave me alone at a party, I feel sad.” This evokes much more empathy. 

One of the things that Trevor does with his clients is helping them separate the facts of what happened that anyone could notice and the meanings that they are making about them. For example if someone says “You do not respect me”, this may be the meaning that you are placing on the situation. If you had 10 other people look at this situation of what happened, some people might not think that is disrespect. But telling them the feeling that is within your body, again will evoke much more empathy from your partner.

How do you attract partners who value you?

For many of us, when something happens that makes us feel hurt, disappointed, rejected or shamed, we make up a meaning about ourselves. For example, when Trevor was in fifth grade he asked a girl to go see a play with him. Instead of just turning him down, she went and told all of the kids in the class and they made fun of him for it. To him, this meant that he did not matter. There were other things in his childhood that also validated this negative belief about himself. He has done a lot of things in his life to prove his significance but underneath all of his success, he still had that old belief lurking. 

The one way he helps people is by having them embrace and replace their shadow belief so they change who they are attracting. This also helps you to accept yourself because when you are hiding or disowning parts of yourself, you are going to attract people who reflect those judgements. So to find a partner who values you, you have to do the interal work and be that person you want to attract. 

Helping people reframe their self-beliefs

Trevor worked with a woman who had never felt that she was valued by a man. She always felt like a low priority and she did not believe that she deserved any better. When she came to him, she was dating a man who kept breaking dates. This meant to her that she was not good enough. This is the meaning that she gave this and often times, when things do not go well we feel as if we are not valued or that we are not loveable. 

Trevor works with his clients to help people reframe these situations. By the time they were done, she realized this had nothing to do with her it was more about him. Once she went through his process and changed her self-respect and her beliefs about what she deserved, another man showed up who valued her and treated her the way she wanted to be treated.

Trevor’s magic request formula

Trevor has a 6 step magic request formula that he uses with his clients so they can receive the requests that they are looking for. The first step is to name the emotion you have about the request itself. So maybe you feel nervous, worried, or reluctant. For example, one of Trevor’s clients wanted to have daily contact with her partner. The first thing she said was that she felt nervous to bring this up. This vulnerability allows your partner to open up to you as well.

After you do this, open up to them saying how you are feeling and then give them space to speak on this and show curiosirty for why they are acting the way that they are. Make sure you are still communicating in a way that is not judging them and do not start the conversation with balem or accusations. 

Navigating an anxious attachment style

If you know that you have an anxious attachment style, then you know that the voice in your head is your anxious mind. Your anxious mind is assuming the worst-case scenario and then your thoughts are distorted by it. So soothing your thoughts can come by realizing that your anxious mind is distorting these thoughts.

Trevor reminds us that when we meet our person, do not withhold our needs. The only way that we are going to find out if this person can meet our needs in the future is to name them. In the client story he shared above, she was trying to be cool and go with the flow but she ended up being disappointed and not feeling safe in the relationship. But then through the magic request formula, she got really great at evoking empathy from her boyfriend when she made requests. He then started calling and texting her every day, took her on a romantic trip to Italy, and even co-signed for her to be a homeowner. 

Trevor’s favorite date

Trevor’s third date with his partner was in 2020 so there was not a lot going on but a friend of his was hosting a concert. There were many different bands and they even asked him to come up and sing a few songs. They had a great time dancing together and then went out for thai.

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