When it comes to masculinity, we’ve all heard the surface-level locker room talk centered around gratification and penis size. After experiencing this himself in his early 20s, Cam Fraser knew that there needed to be deeper conversations around male sexuality. Now as a professional sex coach and certified sexologist, Cam helps men go beyond surface-level sex into full-bodied sexual experiences.
If you’re curious about the deeper side of men’s sexuality, this episode will open your eyes to the discussions we need to be having and how it’s not as straightforward as we’ve been led to believe. We explore the lack of education around non-concordance, the importance of ethical porn, and how to shift into pleasure-oriented masculinity.
Both men and women can benefit from this week’s episode so make sure to listen in!
In this week’s episode, we discuss:
[01:40] About Cam Fraser
[02:32] How Cam’s college experience impacted his decision to become a sex coach and sexologist
[19:39] Performance-oriented vs. pleasure-oriented masculinity
[26:02] How to communicate your emotions by connecting with your body
[29:19] Where does the obsession with penis size come from?
[41:10] The importance of representation in porn
[45:00] Sexual dysfunction and anxiety
[49:02] Exploring men’s sexuality on a deeper level
[57:39] Cam’s favorite date
About Cam Fraser
Cam is a professional sex coach and a certified sexologist. Being a former Tantric Yoga teacher, his work integrates medically accurate information about sexual health with sacred sexuality teachings. As a coach, he helps men go beyond surface-level sex into full-bodied, self-expressed, and pleasure-oriented sexual experiences free of anxiety and/or shame.
How Cam’s college experience impacted his decision to become a sex coach and sexologist
Cam left his home in Australia to go to college in America on a sporting scholarship. He went to school in the deep south where it was very sexually repressed and shame oriented. The message was that premarital sex was a sin, contraceptives shouldn’t be used, and any type of sexual expression (beyond the heteronormative man and woman) was a sin. He started to see how this was impacting both himself and the young people around him.
He ended up drinking a lot, leaning into his Australian roots to help him form an identity and had the approach of “quantity over quality” in his casual sexual encounters. He always wanted to make sure that he was “masculine” enough and felt like he needed to keep up a facade.
Cam ended up fracturing his lower spine and his road to rehabilitation led him to pilates, yoga, massage, and breathwork. These healing modalities started to bring up all of the emotions that he felt he couldn’t express as a man. He ended up going to Narrative Therapy which helped him look at all the stories he was telling himself from external or internal sources. Then he started rewriting what it meant for him to be a man.
Therapy and somatic work transformed his sexual experiences. This showed him how impactful sexuality and masculinity had been on his life and he decided that he wanted to be a positive role model to help others. He now teaches men that there is an alternative story to what they have been taught.
Performance-oriented vs. pleasure-oriented masculinity
A lot of masculinity is what Cam calls performance-oriented which says: I have to last this long, my penis has to be this big, I have to give my partner this many orgasms. This is very competition based and within that, sex becomes a win-lose scenario. And since sex is tied to men’s self-worth and self-esteem, if you lose, then you become a failure as a partner.
For pleasure-oriented masculinity, Cam says to focus on what sex feels like instead of what it looks like. Asking yourself questions like” Where did you feel the pleasure in your body? Did you both laugh and have fun? The questions and framework are different.
Cam reminds us that men need to have their cups filled up too. They are often seen as the provider and protector but they often suffer in silence. We can change that approach and make sure that men feel full and enjoy life.
How to communicate your emotions by connecting with your body
If you are not sure what emotion you are feeling, start by saying what you physically feel in your body. This can be as simple as saying that you feel tension in your chest or heaviness on your shoulders. Sometimes describing emotions can be an intellectual exercise but if you explain what is going on in your body, you can relieve the tension, reconnect with your body, and verbalize what you are feeling.
Where does the obsession with penis size come from?
Cam says that he’s not 100% sure where this has come from but he knows that there is a universal trope that bigger is better. He shares that there is also a penis anxiety phenomenon across the world that correlates penis size with losing your masculinity. Overall, there is a lack of representation of average-sized penises in porn and mainstream media which lead men to believe that the average size is a lot bigger than they think. 70% of men are unhappy with the size of their penis and 90% wish that it was bigger. He does an exercise with his clients where they use playdough to create an average penis. This helps them open up about penis anxiety and they see that they aren’t the only ones concerned about their size.
The importance of representation in porn
Mainstream porn is not educational, it’s entertainment. This is why Cam offers something different to his clients which is finding ethical porn that is representative of them. This helps them see that they are worthy of sexual experiences too, no matter their weight, penis size, or ethnicity. Ethical porn is a lot more representative and he believes you can use it as a tool to open up to new desires for fantasies.
Sexual dysfunction and anxiety
Society has been taught that men should be ready to go but this is not always the case. There are a lot of different things that bring men sexual anxiety. Cam shares that he hears people say that men’s sexuality is not that serious or who cares about it? These statements are dismissive and men start to internalize them by thinking “Maybe I’m broken and need to be fixed” which adds to the anxiety.
There is also a strong narrative around male sexuality and sexual dysfunction that says if you don’t have an erection when you’re ready to have sex then you’re malfunctioning. This leads to the overprescription of Viagra and other PDE V inhibitors. Cam shares that through his work he has seen that sometimes this is a psychological thing and not a physical one that needs prescriptions.
Exploring men’s sexuality on a deeper level
Society also says that we talk about men’s masturbation enough and we need to open up more about women’s pleasure. Cam says that there is a difference between pleasure and gratification and a lot of what men talk about is surface-level and self-deprecating. We don’t hear how much the pleasure men are experiencing or what they feel in their bodies. He encourages men to talk about these things more than just the gratification.
Most of the talk about men’s sexuality is ejaculation focused which leads people to think that it’s simple and straightforward. Then women start to hear this message and if the man she is with doesn’t ejaculate then she either wonders what’s wrong with him or wonders if there’s something wrong with her. These conversions are difficult to have so both people internalize them and there is normally a lot of blaming and shaming going on.
There is a lack of education around non-concordance which is the idea that you can be subjectively mentally emotionally turned on, but not be physically aroused and vice versa. The performative aspect is ruining a lot of sexual experiences and Cam reminds us to keep an open mind and start to understand male sexuality on a deeper level.
Cam’s favorite date
One of Cam’s first dates with his wife was going to a unique antique market down by the river in Australia. He was interested in getting to know this woman that he just met a few days ago and came to the date with subtle and grounded energy. This allowed them to both open up and have a great time together. He ended up buying a cactus that they still have and it reminds him of that day.
Connect with Cam Fraser: